Honesty Pants

I'm one day shy of rounding the corner of a full month of allowing this blog to run as dry as a Midwest summer.

But if I wiggled into my honesty pants and slapped myself a couple of good, solid, swinging times, I'd admit to much more than just that. I'd admit more things like this:

I'd admit that if I really believed in the power of voice and transparency, this blog wouldn't be the only thing a month overdue. My tangled heart and head and blank journal are all long overdue as well. My journal hasn't danced with ink in so long. I wonder if it has forgotten what it is like to have feet. I wonder if my pen has forgotten the sound of music.

I'd admit that instead of taking time to be disciplined and write down daily struggles/fears/triumphs/promises/blessings etc, I choose the easy way out. I cheapen my memories into 140 characters at 9:45 PM because my sanity is a whiny baby by 10 PM, so tweeting is the efficient, yet lifeless, answer.

And the thing I can't get over is the fact that I have so much to write about, so much to be grateful for.
So much to remember. So much I cannot afford to forget. So much to celebrate, so much to explore, so much to question.

Yet, I cannot deny student teaching leaves me exhausted and overwhelmed. It leaves me more frustrated and confused than anything, too, because it feels like another dead-end. So much work for a dead-end.

But today I'm choosing to not let that be an excuse - simply because of Shauna Niequist's fabulous post "My Drug and My Defense"  was basically the truth stick for the self-pity puppy that wants to make my life its permanent home.

I'm trying to swim through a lot of things right now - things I am not fully aware of, things I don't know much about, things I'm apathetic toward, things I haven't discovered yet.

I'm discovering that when I don't write, it's like life becomes a rapid whereas it once was a smooth, peaceful brook, softening the rocks underneath it. Writing helps me process - writing helps me remember how to swim.

So this weekend's agenda includes the following:
1. Laundry
2. Clean Bathroom
3. Call Brother
4. Write, discover, wrestle - REPEAT