Honesty Pants

If/then statements pertaining to my uncanny inability to become an employed college graduate: 


1. If a job was a game of hide-and-seek, then I am Helen Keller.

2. If a job was Chick-Fila, then I am Sunday.

3. If a job was a love life, then it is Sarah Wyckoff’s.

4. If a job was a prime rib, then I am a vegetarian by force under the strict commands of health-science.

5. If a job was a Texas Road House roll, then I am a gluten allergy.

6. If a job was a fashion statement, then I am the shoulder pads of the 1990's.

7. If a job was a control issue, then I am Tierra's eyebrow.

8. If a job was rain, I am Noah – building the world’s first boat, listening to my doubts yell “Now, why you going on with that nonsense when we don’t even know what rain is, you crazy-gonna-be-cat-lady”

To which I reply,

"OH YEAH? WELL I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM AND PUT ON THOSE SILLY LITTLE HUMAN OXYGEN ARM BUBBLES CALLED FLOATIES CAUSE THE RAIN IS COMIN', MY FRIENDS, AND IT’S GONNA SWALLOW ALL YA’LL WHOLE.”