Dear Timmy: if you post one more video . . .
Dear Timmy,
If you post one more video of throwing or swimming or singing with your nieces and nephews, my ovaries will explode. Don't you know that impossibly chiseled men playing with small children is every single woman's kryptonite? I am sending up flares and S.O.S. signals: Have mercy on us, oh shirtless and impeccable lats! WE CANNOT EVEN.
My friends are reposting your videos to my Facebook wall and quoting Scripture like: "lead me not into temptation." But EYE ROLL. There can only be one Mother Teresa on this side of heaven, so of course I will plead no more videos! no more videos! but what I actually mean is: WE WANT SOME MO. GIVE US SOME MO.
These videos, in all their slow-motion glory, make us (all the single ladies, errywherre) want to have your babies. This is the highest compliment of all because HOLY MOO, MAN. Ouch x infinity. LORD BLESS THE WOMAN God has chosen for you because her anthem will be 1 John 3:13: Do not be surprised, brothers and sisters, if the world hates you. Because hate her we shall, simply because she won't beone of us me.
We love you because you seem to be all the things the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye told us to put on our (ridiculous) husband requirement list when we were in middle school, and THEN SOME. But we also love you because we don't know your quirks, like if you clip your toenails in the sink or chomp your food like a giraffe. We love you because even though the NFL haters gonna hatehatehate, you are gonna shakeshakeshake - to which I must say: FIST-BUMP.
Come to Chinerr, Timmy. KARAOKE IS LYFE HERE. Bring your nieces. Bring your nephews. Bring Walk the Moon. Bring your singleness. Bring a size 8 engagement ring because I have man-sized hands that have proved the perfect size for holding Chinese babies.
Sincerely,
Not your future wife
If you post one more video of throwing or swimming or singing with your nieces and nephews, my ovaries will explode. Don't you know that impossibly chiseled men playing with small children is every single woman's kryptonite? I am sending up flares and S.O.S. signals: Have mercy on us, oh shirtless and impeccable lats! WE CANNOT EVEN.
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(I made this meme because I'm HILARIOUS) |
These videos, in all their slow-motion glory, make us (all the single ladies, errywherre) want to have your babies. This is the highest compliment of all because HOLY MOO, MAN. Ouch x infinity. LORD BLESS THE WOMAN God has chosen for you because her anthem will be 1 John 3:13: Do not be surprised, brothers and sisters, if the world hates you. Because hate her we shall, simply because she won't be
We love you because you seem to be all the things the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye told us to put on our (ridiculous) husband requirement list when we were in middle school, and THEN SOME. But we also love you because we don't know your quirks, like if you clip your toenails in the sink or chomp your food like a giraffe. We love you because even though the NFL haters gonna hatehatehate, you are gonna shakeshakeshake - to which I must say: FIST-BUMP.
Come to Chinerr, Timmy. KARAOKE IS LYFE HERE. Bring your nieces. Bring your nephews. Bring Walk the Moon. Bring your singleness. Bring a size 8 engagement ring because I have man-sized hands that have proved the perfect size for holding Chinese babies.
Sincerely,
Not your future wife
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