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the monster of me

By Thursday, March 08, 2012

The Monster of Me

What do you mean you have never been in love?
Surely you have been in love with yourself since the day you were born.

Surely the letter 'I' is the most venomous vowel in the language of the human heart.
And the love of self is the spirit's deadliest disease.
And the most destructive monster is the monster in me.

Every morning a
Bloody battle between spirit and flesh
A raging war that will never rest
Until I am laid to rest
Six feet deep
Eternally underneath
The weighty coffin kind-of-question
Is this life about me?
Did I live for Christ today
Or did I only love myself from
The cradle to the grave?

This monster does not sleep under my bed
Rather, it has made a home in my egotistical head
Life has never been about dying
Only 22 selfish years of trying
To gain instead of give
To survive instead of live
To climb instead of care
To receive praise instead offering prayer
A life of
White-lies instead of truth
A life of
Me instead of you

Taking up my cross and dying to myself
Sounds absurd when I can just put a crucifix on my shelf
Never mind traveling the dirt road to Calvary
In my shiny Christian shoes
Because in the chess game of selfishness
People are just pawns to use

So when I hear Jesus say
He must become greater
and I must become less
I must detest
my flesh and
Suffocate this selfishness until it takes its last breath
The love of self is a tempting seductress
Her only destination is destruction

I hate confrontational conversations with my soul
Because spiritual mirrors are brass knuckled
Fists who fight for my spiritual health;
And when Jesus Christ came to earth
The Savior saved me from myself


So the self was crucified with Christ and it no longer lives,
Because Christ is alive in me
The life I live in this body I will live for Son,
Whose light shines out of the darkness
and
Whose blood breathed life into this carcass
So my eyes will look to Christ and His cross
and to the interest of others
so I can be devoted like a sister to a brother
Because Christ is king
And even he made himself into
Nothing

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