Honesty Pants

"It's not you - it's me."

. . . is an over-used, cliche, spineless, self-esteem verbal shot-block I assume you have heard at least once during your lifespan.

It's the kind of foul play cheeseburgers all over the U.S. encounter on the second day of January as a result of impulsive, weak-willed New Years resolutions who just "need a break" to "focus on the career of dieting for a while."

Rejection.
It's what you have in common with the cheeseburger.

And this is what I am discovering to be true:
1. For the love of all that is comfort food and the sake of all that is American, NEVER deny a cheeseburger AND

2. Being rejected says more about the other person than it says about you. Because really, when your "wanna-be-more-than-friends" friend offers a shrug and says, "It's not you, it's me", he/she is actually right.

Why? Because rejection has a split identity: Passive & Active.
Allow me to do a character profile of both --

Active:
When someone actively rejects another, it is delivered in some form of communication (oral/written/etc), therefore requiring effort. It takes effort to seek out the person and say "No, I don't want to date you/be your friend/associate with you, etc. because _________________________.

And you fill in the blank.

One of my favorite lines is "because God is calling me to a season of singleness right now" --- and then that person ends up dating your best friend (soon to be ex-best friend) by the end of the following week.

Classic Christian turn-downs. Gotta love 'em.

But then, in a moment of quick wit where you forget to clothe yourself with the Spirit, your flesh retorts,
"Oh, really? That's fantastic. I'm sure God is gathering a field of cats for you right now instead of finding you a spouse! I genuinely wish you a happily ever-after with your furry feline friends. If the loneliness doesn't kill you, I'm sure the hairballs will."


Obviously, there are many different ways an individual can occupy that blank line to express personal disinterest. Moreover, the credibility/truth of explanations vary according to circumstance and individual . . .

BUT

I'm beginning to wonder if I would prefer a cowardly liar who leans on excuses who makes an effort rather than the other option, which is

Passive Rejection:
Passive rejection is when someone just ignores you, disregards you on purpose, and ultimately does not make an effort.

The difference between passive and active rejection is effort.

Effort is what separates the boys from the men, the girls from the women, the joggers from the runners, and the students from the scholars.

When you are ignored, rather than just told "no," the silence can lead you to the edge of a intimidating black hole of noisy lies that whisper: "You are not even worth the effort of a 'no.'"

Active rejection, even if it is weak, is an effort toward the truth whereas passive rejection seems to sit in selfishness.

And here is what I have seen in world of women:

When a girl is rejected by a guy, her immediate question is "What's wrong with me?" Then she tries to look differently/act differently/be different to conform to whatever standard she perceives that certain guy desires. This question is birthed from insecurity.

(I don't know what being denied is like for a guy, but rumor has it is that guys are most afraid of rejection. Can't speak for the males because I am not one, so that could get a little messy. Another post for another day when I am feeling a little more feisty).

So perhaps the way in which someone says "No" is more telling about who they are than the person receiving the message of rejection.

Perhaps when an effort is made, the effort in and of itself recognizes the other as a human being with feelings and worth and a right to a certain amount of time, an explanation - even if it is pathetic.

And even though active rejection may initially deliver a harsher blow to the ego, it never breaks it. Bruises tend to heal quicker than broken bones.

So next time you reject someone, don't feel bad --- just make an effort toward the truth with how you say "no."

And the next time you are the one rejected via the phrase, "It's not you, it's me," remember to genuinely thank that person for their effort, enthusiastically nod in agreement with simultaneous verbal affirmation that it is indeed them, and not you ---

And then go buy yourself a cheeseburger.
Because that which is empathic is also edible.